Louderback's Deglutitave Dictionary

A collection of definitions relating to cooking, comestibles, and the processes of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

The astute reader will be well advised to use words found herein with forethought. Some are not real words, some definitions do not match other dictionaries, and all of these definitions when used in polite society are likely to cause odd looks and a cancellation of any future invitations to social events. As a guide to safest use, I have tried, when and where it amused me to do so, to provide circumstances and occasions where the more appealing of the words may used to good advantage.

I acknowledge inspiration from many sources as diverse as "Pinky and the Brain", Stan Kelly-Bootle, and the greatest lexicographer ever to have lived, Ambrose Bierce. Sorry, Daniel Webster, you may have made a great start, but Bierce did it right!

A

Arab coffee

Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.

B

C

Calorie

Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

Microwave oven

Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. It is this lexicographer's experience that there is nothing good one can do to an egg in a microwave oven.

Misculegenary

From miscegenation and culinary any addition of a "foreign" ingredient to ethnic quisine … e.g. bacon burritos and tofu fajitas.

N

O

Oven

Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

P

Porridge

Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE".

Preheat

To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Q

R

Recipe

A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, using utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

S

T

Tongue

A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

U

V

W

X

Y

Yogurt

Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Z

Copyright 2004 by R.R. Louderback
all rights reserved